S0E5

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Paranormal Patrol Visits The Sonozaki Patriarch[edit | edit source]

Leon
HAH... HAH... THERE YOU GO! NOW... BRING ME ADA!
Kasai
...Not bad, kid... Not bad at all...
Although I must say, I realized your noble intentions too early into our fight.
And because of that... It really didn't get me going.
Leon
ARE YOU SAYING I NEED TO BEAT YOU AGAIN?!
Kasai
Not at all. But our fight was pointless in the first place.
And for that, I'm thankful. I don't really want anyone else to see that side of me.
Leon
THEN... WHERE IS SHE?
Kasai
I assume you mean... The woman tattoo'd on your back.
I admire your loyalty and love for her. That's why I'm willing to give you a hand.
I have seen her, yes, but I don't know of any details.
The one who might know, however...
Fred
Leon! Good to see you're okay.
So, I was looking at the GPS signal... And there was a guy sitting outside. The signal was coming from him!
It seems like Ada isn't here after all.
Kasai
A GPS? So you've been tracking-
Leon
I-I'VE JUST BEEN MAKING SURE ADA IS OKAY, ALRIGHT?
Kasai
I see. I assume, then, you want to personally talk to Steven?
Fred
Steven?
Kasai
Steven Sonozaki, Patriarch of the Sonozaki Family, and the most feared and respected man in Coolsville.
Even I can't compare to his immense strength.
Leon
As long as he gets me to her... I'll do whatever it takes...
Kasai
Boss, those two wish to speak with you. If you would allow them to, that is.
Steven
Don't worry, Kasai. There's two things I am in life.
One, a champion. Two, humble.
So yes, I'll grace them with my presence.
Kasai
Thank you, sir.
Leon
H-HEY, YOU FAT F-
Fred
Leon! Not like this!
Uh, excuse us, sir, but it seems like you're being spied on.
We found out that you, uh, have a GPS on you!
Steven
Huh? Oh, of course I would fall victim of such schemes.
No one could stand up to me in a fair one-on-one. That's why they have to resort to cheap tricks like this.
So, how did you know about it?
Fred
...The device we were tracking used to be with an acquaintance of mine, you see!
Her name... Is Ada Wong. Have you heard about her?
Steven
Oh, that girl. Yeah, she was here the other day. We had a... Private meeting.
Sadly, she can't compare to Japanese women. I like the Chinese and all, we even had partnerships in the past, but it is what it is.
So, she was tracking me... Guess a few people will need to get their punani snatched.
It sure is hard to be this much of a badd ass.
Fred
I-I see... Whatever that means...
Anyway, me and my friend here wanted to know...
Leon
MMMHMGMGMFGPGF!
Fred
Do you have any idea where she went?
Steven
Not really. But an old friend of mine might know.
You see, driving tanks into people's houses gets you a lot of enemies...
But it gets you a lots of friends and connections, too!
Including a long-lasting friendship with the biggest info broker in Coolsville.
The man known as the "Cagist". That name, of course, comes from how he always delivers his information in a cage.
He currently resides in a place no one is known to ever set foot in... It's known as "NXT".
You gave me valuable knowledge today. Because I'm a compassionate man, I'll give you the directions.
Fred
Thank you! Leon, let's go!
Leon
YOU'RE FINALLY GONNA STOP COVERING MY MOUTH NOW?!

Drake Gets A Loan[edit | edit source]

Drake
Please, just one last chance, señor!
You booked me in a match that didn't happen, and then took me off the card for two weeks!
This can't be the end of me here, seguramente?!
Vitalik
...Geez, you lowcarders never learn, do you?
I thought I had killed two birds with one stone, but you won't leave me alone.
I'm not about to give you another opportun-
...Hmmm... Actually...
Drake
I'd do anything for you! Por favor!
Vitalik
Yeah, I figured...
So, how about this? You've been in need of some money, right?
Drake
Haven't had any luck in Disneyland trash bins lately... So... Sí...
Vitalik
I've got a few friends of mine, they've just started a new business.
They're giving out loans. Great interest rate. You can trust me.
But they need to kickstart it, and times have been rough...
Get a loan from them. Your financial issues will be gone, too!
If you do, I'll start booking you again. It's good for everyone involved.
Drake
I see... Sounds amazing! I'll be able to trade even more NFTs with that money! So where do I sign up?!
Vitalik
Just a minute. You need a guarantor. Surely you have one?
Drake
I... Uhh... G-Guarantor?
O-Oh, right, yes! Yo tengo uno! His name is... uhhh... P-Papi!
He's a big friend of mine! And he's even got a private jet!
Vitalik
Right... Papi? Okay, I'll forward it to my friends.
Aaaand done! Just sign here and you're set!
Drake
O-Okay! Thank you very much, señor! I'm ready for the match!

Opening Match[edit | edit source]

  1. Gregory Edgeworth
  2. Hijiri Jyoji
  3. Nero
  4. The Janitor
  5. Komaeda Nagito
  • Hell in a Cell

Wrestler Elimination Details
Komaeda Nagito Nero
Winner Komaeda Nagito

Drake's Loaned Match[edit | edit source]

  1. Drake Bell
  2. God's Son
  • Singles

Winner Drake Bell

Ichiban Respawns Again[edit | edit source]

Ichiban
...Huh?
W-Wait, what? I respawned in the trash again?
Oh... You too, this time around...
Jack
It seems Chaos put us to sleep.
Ichiban
They did say something about me waking up a week too early.
Wait, it's been A FUCKING WEEK?! How strong was that status effect?
Jack
Chaos has been learning new techniques...
It seems like we'll need to find a way to overpower Chaos.
Ichiban
That's why I've been looking for party members in the first place!
Strength lies in numbers, y'know?
And in the power of friendship too. I thought you played enough RPGs to know that much!
Jack
Wait... It can't be... Chaos has tracked us down again?!
Ichiban
Huh? Nah, that's just a couple of cops.
But... Why are they coming towards us?
Ooishi
NFU-FU-FU-FU! Good evening! Good evening!
You there, with the curly hair. I'm afraid I've been given an order to search you for any suspicious items.
It's nothing personal, really! Just something that has become the norm in the area after Coolsville Hills's grand opening!
Ichiban
...Sure, I guess... Not like I've got anything on me right now.
Ooishi
...
Oooh, but you most certainly do! Care to explain this little thing in your pocket?
Ichiban
Huh? A bill? Sweet! Didn't know I still had any money in me!
Ooishi
Not only that. Notice something particular about it?
Ichiban
Oh, right... Eewwww! What is that stain?!
Ooishi
This bill... I believe it comes from a place where very, very shady dealings have been happening...
Would you care to explain how you got it?
Ichiban
I... I dunno, I woke up with it.
Ooishi
Mmmmmm? Then maybe you and your friend would rather give your explanations inside my car?
It's too hot for us to have a word out here anyway, and I've got air conditioning...
Ichiban
Uh, yeah, about that... I'm not really feeling like it, buddy.
Jack
Hands off me, Chaos!
I'll only raid the shrine of Chaos in my own terms!
Ooishi
Then, I'm afraid I might have to call for backup.
Suou, would you give me a hand over here? Nfu-fu-fu-fu!
Katsuya
So, we've got two suspects not willing to cooperate, huh?
Worry not, Ooishi! They will be brought to justice!

  1. Jack Garland & Kasuga Ichiban (Ichiban's Party)
  2. The Police (Onishi & Helios)
  • Tornado-Tag
  • Elimination

Wrestler Elimination Details
Ooishi Kuraudo Kasuga Ichiban
Suou Katsuya Jack Submission
📷Gallery
Winner The Police

Haha...[edit | edit source]

>Rean enters

Rean
" "

>Rean exits

Exit S.T.A.R.S.[edit | edit source]

  1. Brad Vickers
  2. Nemesis w/ Kane
  • Singles

Winner Nemesis

Third Therapy Session[edit | edit source]

Haze
Doc, can you tell me what's going on already?
I mean, the people around me...
They keep saying I didn't win the match last week.
Weren't there fans in the arena? The backstage people? The announcers?
Why is everyone pretending I lost or that it was a no-contest or something?
Pedo killer, 1-2-3. The cleanest setup I know. The ref counted, the bell rang...
So why? Why are they calling me crazy for stating the obvious?
I even beat the shit out of that pervert after the match, to drive a point home!
Therapist
...It's okay, Haze.
You can let it all out. I'm here to listen.
Haze
I don't know, things were going pretty well until I got backstage after the match.
Everyone was mocking me. I don't really care about that, but...
It bothers me that they're treating me like some crazy fuck!
I'm twisted in my own ways, but I'm NOT delusional!
Therapist
It's fine. No one is gonna make fun of you for anything anymore.
You... Just have to come to terms with it, Haze.
Haze
...Come to terms with what?
Therapist
With reality, Haze. If you don't...
There'll be a time you won't be able to cope any longer.
Haze
The hell do you mean?
Therapist
It's okay to lose, Haze.
He was simply better than you. It's not like you haven't lost before, either.
Just move on! There's always a next matc-
Haze
Yeah. Against you.

  1. Haze Stratos
  2. TheRapist
  • Falls Count Anywhere

📷Gallery
Winner Therapist

Kiryu's Remembrance[edit | edit source]

Kiryu
...Seems like the Evolution goons stopped coming after me for now...
So, what's the next step? I should probably get on the offensive, too.
I can't let a single one of those guys get away, or else... They might harm the people I care about...
Kasai... Why are those lowlifes after you?
Such a respectable, good man. I still remember every single day I spent at your orphanage...

"Hahahah! I got you now, Eric!"
"Hey! No fair! You just blocked the way because you're bigger than me!"
"Heh, guess you were unlucky at birth."
"H-Hey, can I get that cat too? He's so cute!"
"...Sorry, Claire. I don't think we've got space for any more of them..."
"Nick! Nick! Can we fight again?! I want to be just like Kasai!"
"Hmmm, did you learn something new? I've been busy studying..."
Ah... This place really is home to me...
"Hey, you kids! Sorry to interrupt your fun, but It's time for another lesson! This one might be the most important yet... But I think you're ready for it."
"Today, I'll be teaching you about very important morals and values. This class will be about the group the teachings which I named..."
"'The way of the virgin.'"

Kiryu
Everything I know about life... I owe it all to Kasai.
But if I don't know what my enemy is after, then I can't be prepared to face them.
That's why... I need more information.
And I know exactly the person I should visit to get just that.
My old friend...

Arthur Gets His Freedom[edit | edit source]

  1. Arthur Morgan
  2. Mr. America
  • Singles

Winner Arthur Morgan

Dutch
See, Arthur, see? That's what I'm talking about!
Arthur
Finally gonna compliment my performance, Dutch?
Dutch
Nah, not yours! That man you just faced...
He carried the spirit of a real American!
You need to be more like him, boy!
It would take you to great heights. And maybe you would go through with my plans more often.
One important thing ya gotta do more is respect your elders.
Arthur
...I show you plenty of respect, Dutch.
Listen, I think you're the one who isn't treating me right here.
Dutch
Ah, more of this? You know, you're real lucky.
Arthur
And why do you say that?
Dutch
I had a talk with that American fellow. He's willing to give you a few private lessons.
Be it about life, or about wrestling. It'll be great for your development!
Oh, he's already here! Right on time, as I would expect!
Alright, have a good time, boys! I gotta work on the final stages of the plan...
Mr. America
I HEARD YOU WEREN'T FOLLOWING THE REAL AMERICAN'S CODE, BROTHER?
WORRY NOT, I'M HERE TO TEACH YOU ALL ABOUT IT, JACK!
Arthur
...
Mr. America
NOW, YOU SEE, DUDE, FIRST OFF, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SELLING!
YOU CAN'T JUST BE FLIP-FLOPPING AROUND THE RING LIKE THAT!
IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK STRONG, BROTHER!
YOU LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN SOCCER PLAYER, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT! IT'S WHY THEY ALSO CALL IT "DIVEGRASS"!
ALL THOSE THEATRICS, AND-
Arthur
...It's called Football.
Learn the name before you try to teach me how to live life.
The truth is... I already found my path.
I don't need your help, because from now on... I am free...

No Way Hoygirl[edit | edit source]

Red
I'm really glad you dropped that dumb idea, Tre.
The hell were you thinking anyway?
Well, I guess you're easily influenced. That guy got to your head.
Why did he have such an interest in you?
Extra
I just impressed him with my talent!
You missed my fight the other day?
I even passed the gachi audition afterwards.
You know, you can be a pretty shit friend sometimes... Never there to compliment me when things go right.
Red
Hey, you think it's time to vent your frustrations or something?
If you're mad about anything, we can just... Take a break, you know...
Like, would you want to go grab dinner?
Extra
Nah, I'm kinda bummed out still.
Thinking about it, I missed quite the opportunity....
I mean, people say you should follow your dreams, right?
Red
It's fine, Tre. You can find a new one.
Like, have you never thought about... Hmmm... S-Starting a family?
Extra
...What?
Red
Nevermind. I'll pay for dinner, let's just go!
Extra
Oh, it's on your tab? Hell yeah, let's g-
Walter
Hoy, what are you talking about?
Red
OH, NOT YOU AGAIN!
Walter
Letting your dreams be dreams? No way I'm allowing that!
I'm a casualry, son of a fisherman, and yet...
Yet I went and became a noble samurai!
Red
AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE PARENTS!
Walter
All because of my adventurous spirit! Don't you want to feel the same rush?
Are you afraid of going through with your deepest desires?!
Red
WHY WOULD HE WANT THAT LIFE?!
Walter
You can go big one day too! I saw your strength during the showdown at the club.
Extra
...
Red
You're not gonna listen to him, right, Tre?!
Extra
HOLY SHIT, MAN, YOU'RE COMPLETELY RIGHT!
That job is soooo worth it! It's my dream after all!
I mean... A few dicksuckings mean nothing compared to the opportunity of starring with Aniki and Van!
I-It's not gay if it's a job, right?
Red
...
...That's it. I've fucking had it. I'm not gonna allow you to make Tre into a fudge packer!
GET READY FOR THE HOTHEAD DRIVER, ASSHOLE!

  1. Walter
  2. Red
  • Singles

Winner Walter

A Clowns of Fate for the Circus[edit | edit source]

Joker
So, those tag team champions of ours...
They really say a lot about our society!
Two complete imbeciles who aggregate nothing to this world!
One, a despicable, disgusting man who thinks with his dick.
But worry not, my dear oppressed gamers...
For we have found ourselves quite the huge reinforcement in our quest to rise up against this cruel world!
Potemkin
I never imagined there were others that were like me.
But when I found you two... I realized I wasn't alone in this war.
For my country to stand proud and strong, we need change!
And change is what you two gentlemen are planning to bring about.
That is why, as you two conquer the Tag Team Championships in this company...
I'll bring back home the world title...
And with our influences combined, we'll finally stop being seen just as silly clowns.
Until then... I'll hold on to faith that our strong convictions will carry us through everything!
Hisoka
Ahhh...
Even though I can't see your eyes... The rush has left me... Sensitized.
I expect big things ahead of us all. I certainly hope your power doesn't go to waste!
Potemkin
You need not worry about that. I will be going into this mission with all of my strength.

O, My Rubber Count![edit | edit source]

  1. The J.O.B Squad (Geralt of Rivia, Gene, Rance)
  2. The Circus (Joker, Hisoka, Potemkin)
  • Contendership: /v/ Tag-Team Title
  • Tag-Team
  • Elimination

Wrestler Elimination Details
Potemkin Rance
Geralt of Rivia Potemkin
Joker
Hisoka Geralt of Rivia After surviving 999 finishers in a 2v1, he turns it back.
Gene
Winner The Circus
Notes Hisoka took 999999999 finishers after bein in 2v1 for trillion years, never got beyond 2.5, and fucking won.

Ushiromiya's Fifth Training[edit | edit source]

Kinzo
How... Battler... How did you...
Battler
Ihihihihi! Were you not entertained?!
I surely put on a great show out there, grandfather!
Did you see my selling?
I bet Ange had a lot of fun seeing me flip flopping around the ring like that!
And the ladies... How could they resist someone so athletic?!
Kinzo
You've got it all wrong, Battleeeeeeeeerrrr!!!
How do you get pinned by thin air?
It's hard to be loved by the crowd when you keep losing!
Battler
B-But...
I thought it would be clever to say that "No one can beat Battler!"
Kinzo
No "buts"! I'd give up on you right now if I wasn't your grandfather!
But I learned not to give up on things just like that...
AND THAT'S WHY I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP ON SEEING BEATORICHE AGAIN! OOOOOOOOOOO BEATORIIIIIIICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
...As I was watching, though, I knew you'd need another lesson.
So I used my connections, and that's it. I found your opponent.
Someone even weaker than nothing.
This is the worst wrestler that money can acquire.
There's a zero percent chance you lose this match.
Battler
I don't really think things are that bad, but... Okay...
Zero percent, huh? You should think about how to give me a handicap, then!
Kinzo
...Just go out there and prove me you REALLY can win this one...

  1. Ushiromiya Battler
  2. Robo-Battler
  • No-DQ

Winner Ushiromiya Battler

(Submission)

Date's Great Dungeon Escape[edit | edit source]

Date
Aaahhh... Reika...
W-Wait? Uh? What's...
Aiba
Date, wake up already!
Date
Oh, right. Wait, we're...
Aiba
In an underground prison cell. Yes.
You've got company, too.
Date
That's... Chris? The hell is he doing here?
Aiba
Seems like he got knocked out.
Date
Well, we need to find a way out, don't we? And quickly.
Let's see. The entrance is blocked by...
A boulder? Who the hell set this place up?
Aiba
Quite a old-fashioned way to close off a dungeon if you ask me.
Hmmm... I can see there's something supporting it...
Joe
Hey there, tough guy. Guess you finally woke up, huh?
You know, this place is owned by very, very powerful people...
Maybe this will teach you a lesson. Don't bite more than you can chew.
Next time, you should consider-
...Hey, are you listening?
Date
...Anyway, Aiba. Find anything of note yet? This place is boring me to death.
Aiba
I was mapping the area. I'll run my simulations now.
Joe
Y-You! I'm telling you to look at me right now!
You dared to shove your nose into our secret smuggling ring?
We've got some of the best material out there. Stuff no one else has access to!
I even got a copy myself, see?
Date
...
Aiba
Date, pay attention! Look at what he's got in his hand!
Date
What... WAIT, A PORNO MAG? LIMITED EDITION?!
HEY, YOU THERE! WHY ARE YOU KEEPING ALL THE GOOD STUFF FOR YOURSELF?
AT LEAST LET ME GET A COPY! OR A FEW PICTURES OF IT!
Joe
S-Stop! Stop right now! I-I'm gonna s-shoot!
Date
HEY, I WANT TO "SHOOT" TOO, IF YOU GET WHAT I MEAN! IT'S NOT FAIR, MAN. WHAT ABOUT A GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT?!
Joe
D-Dammit, what the fuck? I think the support broke... The boulder is rolling towards us!
Date
DON'T YOU HAVE A HEART? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I LAST SAW ONE OF THOSE?
Joe
PLEASE! LET ME GO! WE'RE GONNA DIE!
Date
THE ONLY THING KILLING ME IS NOT BEING ABLE TO APPRECIATE THOSE EXCLUSIVE "RISING ROOKIE" PICTURES!
Joe
Ha-Haaahh... I'm safe...
Dumbass, your friend is about to get crushed now!
Aiba
I wouldn't think so.
Chris
AAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Joe
W-What... Did he just... Really d-do t-that?
Date
HA! I GOT IT! THIS MAGAZINE IS ALL MINE NOW!
And no, I'm not sharing it with you! Maybe if you had been a good negotiator...
Aiba
Date, that's important evidence. It's not yours.
Date
...Can you stop ruining my fun?
Oh, look, the cell door is open, huh? Well, that was easy.
Let's go, Chris!
...Chris? You're still sleeping? But I could swear I heard your voice just now.
Aiba
Let's just move on already.
Date
S-Sure. Wait a minute... Aiba...
Aiba
Hm? Are you gonna thank me for getting you out of this one?
Date
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS SEXY SKELETON IN THE CELL NEXT TO OURS?
That bone structure, my god! Look at this!
Aiba
...You're sick. I'm definitely going to up your dosage.

Jobbiest Man In America[edit | edit source]

  1. Jayden (0)
  2. Max Payne (2)
  • Championship: King of Jobbers Title
  • 2/3 Falls

📷Gallery
Winner Max Payne

Vs. Leon S. Kennedy / Fred Jones[edit | edit source]

Fred
It's here... The place no one dares to visit...
Leon
Looks like a great spot to have a drink at 3AM.
Fred
Well, in we g-
Baddass Voice
Wait up. You two.
Kiryu
...What are you here for?
Fred
Huh? What do you mean?
We heard there wouldn't be anyone around here.
Leon
Could it be... You're the one who took her?
THIS IS ALL PART OF YOUR PLAN, ISN'T IT?!
Kiryu
No need for such sudden aggression.
I'm here to talk to my old friend. I was just surprised to see you two.
Leon
Old friend? A shady looking guy like you?
Fred
I don't think he has good intentions, Leon.
Kiryu
At first, I thought you were Evolution members...
But I was wrong. You don't seem like bad guys.
I'm the same as you. I'm just here to get information from the Cagist.
Leon
Trying to sweet talk us now? I can see right through it!
Fred
I may love them, but I'm not falling for your traps!
Leon, he's dangerous. We gotta take him on together!
Kiryu
Ah. It seems we'll have to talk with our fists, then?
Alright. You're on!

  1. Kiryu Kazuma
  2. The Paranormal Patrol
  • Handicap
  • No-DQ

Winner The Paranormal Patrol

Kiryu
All right. I guess that settles it.
Fred
How? How did you...
Leon
The two of us at once? I guess I needed some more fuel...
Kiryu
I hope that fight taught you a thing or two.
???
Ahhhh, that's what I was looking for!
The Cagist
What a strong display. As expected of The Dragon!
But I want to see more of that...
And I think NXT fans worldwide do, too!
Fred
Huh? Is that... C-Cagist?!
Kiryu
It's good to see you're doing well.
...You must know what I'm here for already.
The Cagist
Of course. I'm the most well-informed person in Coolsville.
Way better than the dirtsheets you can find around.
"P-P-Plans change" or whatever excuses their use when they get things wrong.
My information is always 100% correct. Just like my booking.
Now, if the three of you are interested, I guess we can have a talk.
Kiryu, if you wouldn't mind, you can rest easy for now. I'd like to dedicate more time to you.
You're an A+ player after all, so you'll be my main event.
Kiryu
I see. Until then... Do you still have that karaoke backstage?
The Cagist
Of course. Grab a drink and sing as much as you want!
Kiryu
Ah... I've been in need of some time for myself.
Alright, check this out!

ENDING #5[edit | edit source]

Season 0 Ending #5 "Big Chungus"

BONUS: Terror[edit | edit source]

  1. Leon S. Kennedy
  2. Jason
  • NON-CANON
  • Singles

Winner Jason

BONUS: The Giant[edit | edit source]

  1. Macho Man Randy Savage
  2. Andre The Giant
  • NON-CANON
  • Singles

Winner Macho Man Randy Savage

Sinbad's Autopromo + Simulation[edit | edit source]

[LORE]

And then Battler won a Royal Rumble. The End.