Coolsville

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"What more is there to say about Coolsville that hasn't already been said? The public transportation is atrocious (a homeless man spit on me while I was riding to work one day), the school system is godawful, and if you're looking for culture you've definitely come to the wrong place. All I can say is that, if it were up to me this festering, David Foster Wallace-esque dystopian nightmare of twisted concrete, burning asphalt, and ineffectual, brain numbing, bite-sized entertainment would've been the testing site of a new ICBM so powerful it was guaranteed to destroy any sign that this testament to humanity's boundless hedonism ever existed. All that would be left is a smoldering crater and I hope that one day, the memory of this modern Tower of Babel would be stricken from my memory and the memory of anybody who ever had to lay eyes upon this abomination. Yes, I can wholeheartedly say that I think Coolsville Sucks!" ― Local resident at Coolsville

A former godforsaken town at some desert wasteland in the middle of nowhere, that became one of the most important from the advent of wrestling.

It is Fred Jone's hometown and the scenario of most of The Final Rumble. Also featured in spinoffs sometimes!

History[edit | edit source]

Following is the local legend on the foundation of Coolsville. The truthfulness of this tale is unsubstantiated.

Founding Legend[edit | edit source]

While details are sketchy, scholars agree that the first European settlers arrived at what ended up being present Coolsville at 1619. After initiating contact with the natives, the settlers bribed the tribes with a ship's worth of barrels of whiskey to fuck off and let them build in their fields. When the Indians realized that only two barrels had whiskey and the rest were filled with apple juice, they instead sold them their old burial ground which was a shitty plot of desert patrolled by "some gay ghost" one account says.

Immediately something seemed wrong at this new settlement. Women and men would have strictly legal relationships, while the amount of same-sex relationships would go through the roof. It didn't take long the settlement to get its first name: New Sodom.

Trading with the settlement was a rarity, as no trader wanted to venture in and catch the gay. At some point between 1640 and 1870, New Sodom was completely abandoned or (most likely) the population died out since they couldn't reproduce.

Coolsville[edit | edit source]

On October 27th 1880, Mikhail Borisovich "The Gray Skinned" Bogdanoff descended on the town from his majestic flying iron disk and asked to buy the whole thing from the local rabbi, the only man that was willing to stay in what remained of that disgusting township. After a grueling day of negotiations, New Sodom was bought for 0.28$, five beans, a funny shaped rock and half a dead rat.

Sir Mikhail quickly realizing that nobody would never step even near a place with such a sordid name, decided to rename it to "Coolsville" in a move akin to naming a frozen block of ice and popular penguin suicide spot to "Greenland" hoping that enough dumb fucks are gonna take the bait and start moving in. Just a day before entering 1881, Coolsville was completely full.

For about two decades, Coolsville was the industry leader in depressed households and teenage vagrants. Since all residents had signed lengthy work contracts with House Bogdanoff that anchored them to Coolsville "until the loins of [their] descendants stop producing [Mikhail Bogdanoff] a steady workforce", the residents would try to distract themselves with anything they could. The most popular daily activities in Coolsville circa 1898 were recorded as:

  • Public Drunkenness
  • Polluting the harbor
  • Indecent exposure on public school grounds
  • Vandalising Cemeteries
  • Homosexual Orgies
  • Attempted Suicide
  • Making a run for the Mexican border

The 1909 Coolsville Colosseum incident[edit | edit source]

After many attempts to exorcise the specter that was turning the inhabitants of the city gay and facing a potential loss of slaves future workers, Mikhail Bogdanoff decided that it was time to use magical means to harm the ghost directly. His first choice, Mexico's practitioners of "La Lucha Libre" declined to help because they couldn't get visas, so he turned his attention to the American Board of the now lost art of "catch" wrestling, the Gold Dust Trio. The mysterious trio agreed to help exorcise the ghost after luring it to the Coolsville Colosseum.

On December 23rd 1909, the entirety of Coolsville was forced into the Colosseum for what was billed as the rematch of the century: Frank Gotch vs Stanislaus Zbyszko, going all out after an epic 1-hour fight that ended in a draw and the arrest of an armed man trying to rush the ring. The bait worked and as the match was starting, the ghost entered the arena. At that point, both Gotch and Zbyszko performed a double chokeslam to the ghost and banished it from this world. Or so they thought.

An all out assault on Coolsville began with the dead rising and demons entering reality from beneath the ring and slaughtering the inhabitants of the city. The wrestlers did their best and halted the assault until Mr Bones's avatar La Parka himself appeared to get his revenge for "sending [him] that fucking qυeer back down again." After an unending 2-1 handicap match, Gotch and Zbyszko had only one option left to send Mr Bones back to hell and thus performed for the second and last time in the history of wrestling the forbidden move: The Tunguska Drop (later theorized by scholars to be the wrestling-energy variant of the Chaos Dunk).

The cloud of smoke that rose from that move blacked out the skies for days. The Colosseum was completely obliterated, resembling more of a nuke strike zone. Only three people lived to tell the tale of that fateful day, the wrestlers that fought the leader of Hell itself and Mikhail Bogdanoff who swore revenge on the world, Coolsville and wrestling itself for ruining his easy life. In fear of wrestling getting outlawed in the US, the Gold Dust Trio pulled off a grand illusion tricking the general public that wrestling is fake and covered up the Coolsville Colosseum incident as a big meteorite strike.

Some say that The Tunguska Drop caused massive amounts of otherworldly energies to gather around Coolsville and a war to harness their power is inevitable.

In Modern Times[edit | edit source]

Coolsville, situated in the state of the same name in the USA is one of the nation's more prosperous cities, becoming a shining emblem with the great popularity of wrestling. This is initially thanks to the attention brought to it the Bogdanoffs' attempt at making BCW the most popular wrestling brand with their influence and their eventual defeat by TFR, and continued to increase with the apparitions of Todd Howard, Hideo Kojima, and even the tragedic Death Game brought more interest into the city.

In the New Universe, Chuck's Suck & Fuck made Coolsville's economy prosper, so much in fact that the president of the united states, Hazz Maticus has made it the capital city of the nation and moved his government there. Coolsville homes people from all cultures and origins due to its' great popularity, and has somewhat become a shining beacon of culture, so much that even Japan's Prime Minister has taken an interest on it.

The city is apparently close to Raccoon City.

President Maticus' interest in the city also helped it to have an economic burst and become a business attraction due to his laws on adult material. He eventually started the "Coolsville Hills Project", a huge tower second only to Coolsville's Millennium Tower.

In The Year 2032[edit | edit source]

After the fall of the world after the disaster, much of the USA was left in ruin. However, as people recovered, Sminem Corp helped rebuild and maintain several cities, and with The Three Kings funding organizations to maintain peace like the Troubleshooters, they eventually came to prosper under their rule. A city in New Vegas especially became prosperous, becoming a gathering point for people of all factions.

They especially took keen interest in Coolsville, which as the epicenter of the event was totally in ruin, building a new Coolsville with a replacement of the old, ruined arena. They also worked on a "secret project" with an entire branch of Sminem Corp working on it on Coolsville, which turned up to be the Coolsville Skycity, a project for the end of the kings' plan for when The Great Flood arrived and ruined what was left of the world, and also the place for setting the Cosmic Egg. After the self-destruction of the Cosmic Egg, thanks to the help of Ushiromiya Krauss, the flying city with the last of humanity escaped the world and arrived to the Moon.

Flying City[edit | edit source]

"Flying Coolsville" was a rumor born from a TFR staff member being asked on how at the beginning of every show TFR seems to be hosted on a different place (the truth was that it wasn't and it was made up for TV viewers).

Alleged Description: "The Skyville is a city on top of a giant mechanic construct that allows it to fly. On top there is a living district, store buildings, the main wrestling arena, and in the center is the main building that commands the ship. How exactly it came to be is unknown. It was built in ancient times by a group of Magi and genius Mechanists. Legend tells that OP found it hidden deep in a ruins in Brazil and used the money he got from TFR to repair and adapt it. TFR is hosted here, with the city-ship picking up and dropping wrestlers on major cities."

In reality, such flying city did not exist at the time the rumors began, and any and all attempts to bring it closer to reality fell through. Until The Three Kings began building the flying mechanism in secret under Coolsville as part of the final phase of their plan: bringing The Great Flood to the world below, while also carrying the Cosmic Egg. It was built to be controlled from the Coolsville Arena in such a way that it could rapidly propel itself off the ground when the coming of The Great Flood arrived with little notice, preserving most of the city into the air.

However, contradictory to the very idea of a flying city, "a city which maintains itself in the air and lives in it", it was only meant to fly for a duration equivalent to the plans of the Kings to activate the Cosmic Egg, as their use for this world would end at that point. With the world ruined, the great flood, and the vanishing of the Cosmic Egg and everyone inside in a flash of light, what was born as a hopeful rumor as the "Heavenly City of Wrestling, Coolsville" was turned into "The World's Last Remains, Coolsville" as the last remaining life depends on the constant functioning of the Flying Coolsville. Thus the new World rumble was created to provide the city with constant dimes, but with such limited samples it's production was bound to decline, so burning through their energy, they arrive at the last hope to save life: the Moon.

List of Locations in Coolsville[edit | edit source]

Off-Season 3: New Coolsville[edit | edit source]

Holy fuck, it's a grand shithole. You can't go two feet without stepping on a used condom or finding another house burned to the ground due to "faulty stove accidents." Not only that, but some Brazilian started squatting an old supermarket and is running some outlaw wrestling show, and if that wasn't enough, Fred Jones said on camera that it sucks!

When The Final Rumble got big and stopped hosting their show here, they sued Coolsville to keep the name, and much to their dismay, they had to return to their old name of New Sodom.

Ever since, it has become even more of a shithole, and the name Coolsvile was given to the Heavenly City of Wrestling.

That Brazilian started a cat infestation and now has a boyfriend obsessed with mangoes, said boyfriend found a vampire sealed in his basement who may or may not be mind-controlling him but he broke with his husband, whose was driven insane and build a fortress out garden gnomes, there have been reports of alien sightings, specifically descending to impregnate an human female with two green alien babies, a man described as a "law-hating sociopath" having orgies with indian men, prostitutes and little-girls while also having a middle-aged japanese man living in a shed in his backyard (Which he will only and at all times refer to as "The Cuckshed") who works as a slave and repeatedly stating that he is here by his own desire; a military agent repeatedly asking bystanders to "fuck his sister", a cop repeatedly driving under the effects of alcohol and running people over, a balding red-haired man exclaiming as being a former member of King Arthur's round table screaming "I HAVE A PLAN, IT INCLUDES YOU!" to random bystanders, an assassin plotting a plan to "making people suffer" and claiming to "Own this world" while being helped by the last man before him, and living with a slender black-haired tattooed man constantly singing a metal song with the particular lyrics "SAVIOR!, BLOODSTAIN!, HELLFIRE!, SHADOW!, HEAVEN ON A LANDSLIDE!" all night long through speakers, a local japanese man and his "wife" keep fighting constantly while screaming a range of things like "BEATORICHEEEEEE!", *CRACKLE* *CRACKLE* *CRACKLE*(The actual word)", "INCOMPETEEEEEENT!" & "UWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", people who cast magic and call themselves "witches" appearing all over town, 2 females burning in a fire and posthumously coming back as zombies, a maddened japanese man stealing 2 orphans from a child services agency and turning green to "grow the seeds of chaos", cultist rituals, and a man with an overproportioned chin being reported as acting suspiciously as if plotting something and carrying body-sized bags. And along with that, everyone is turning fucking gay, probably meaning the that stupid ghost escaped again from Hell.

What a fucking nightmare.

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