Ushiromiya Kinzo

A character from Umineko no Naku Koro ni.

Patriarch of the Ushiromiya Family
Ushiromiya Kinzo is Battler's grandfather and the patriarch of the Ushiromiya family and all it's riches. Legend says he has several tons of gold fried chicken hidden.

Season 1
Kinzo was also a great wrestler back in the day under the name Goldsmith, he was a legend in the ring known for his powerful and flashy moves. To keep the legacy of his name going, he trained Battler to be his successor in the secret Rokkenjima Ring, but given Battler's affinity with the family, it wasn't the most dedicated training, yet nevertheless Battler took a few things from him like the signature Shining Wizard.

Episode 8

The grandfather of Battler, having enough of his grandson's jobbing the family name down, came in and gave him an ultimatum:

Either win against him in a match and become the Lord of Rokkenjima, proving to Kinzo that he has the power to keep wrestling, or lose and to go back to The Golden Land.

With all odds against him, Battler realized the, that Kinzo was already dead (inside), and proceeded to beat the seven shades of shit out of his grandfather, earning the love of the audience and the title of Golden Sorcerer (and a cool cape).

Season 2
On Season 2, he returned in the King of Jobbers Title Championship.

It is unknown if this is the real Kinzo, it may be, in fact, Colonel Sanders. The truth remains unknown.

Episode 6
When he was called to see what the hell was wrong with Battler, he tried and tried to draw him out, but ultimately having failed, he began to blame himself and all the wrongs that he had done to his family. When deciding to leave behind was drawn into the now open room and a gun sound was heard. Kinzo Ushiromiya was found dead the next morning.

Episode 10
In reality, Agent 47 had prepared a piece of lasagna with small bombs and detonated it when he got inside the room, with nobody inside. The reason was to make people believe that Black Battler was inside and make people believe it was him, so the lie would become truth.

Season 0
Ushiromiya Kinzo is the head of the Ushiromiya family, and an old but very experienced wrestler known as Goldsmith in the past.

Seeing his grandson try to take the mantle on the Ushiromiya's wrestling legacy has filled him with joy, and he will work hard to train him into becoming a great wrestler some day. Although for the time being...

Episode 1

Battler is all ready for his match, but Kinzo tells him to calm down, despite being overjoyed in the Ushiromiya's wrestling legacy living on. Battler instead has other ideas of how it should go, with him fondling the breasts of female fans every show... Kinzo shuts him up asking if he's really doing it for Ange after all... Although...

I would certainly give it my all in wrestling again if I got to touch Beatoriche's soft tummy one more time!

OOOOOOOOH BEATORICHEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I WOULD GIVE UP ALL MY CAREER ACCOLADES IF IT MEANT I COULD SMELL YOU AGAIN!!! Anyways, Genji got a real, top of the card wrestler for Battler to fight as his first real opponent, for the mere price of 500 balloons. Battler is overwhelmed and can't do even a single signature move against him.

Episode 2

Somewhat disappointed, Kinzo gets someone a bit more midcard for Battler to fight with. Battler hopes he can make Kinzo happy now... You won't.

The only thing that can make me happy...

Is Beatoriche's soft armpits! OOOOOOOOOOOH BEATOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

IF ONLY I COULD MASSAGE YOUR SHOULDERS AGAIN! I WOULD CURSE ALL MY FUTURE GENERATIONS FOR YOU! However, not a single finisher is landed on his part and the guy proves to be somewhat too mid.

Episode 3

Disappointment settling in, Kinzo looks for the lowest carder, midgetest, twinkiest person he can find before concluding Battler as too incompetent to wrestle. He's small, physically frail and skinny.

...Much unlike Beatoriche's meaty thighs!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH BEATORICHEEEEEEEEEEEEE! IF ONLY I COULD LICK YOUR SWEAT AGAIN!

I WOULD SACRIFICE SHEEP TO GOD FOR THIS DESIRE! It's not an easy fight, but Battler manages to land his first finisher, and land his first win.

Episode 4

After a hard earned victory, Battler thinks it's finally time to go out to the ring for real, but Kinzo reminds him he only beat a lowcarder half his size, so for tonight he'll go into the ring... alone. You'll be as lonely as I am on every night since Beatoriche left me...

OOOOOOOOOH BEATOOOOOOORIIIIIIICHEEEEEEEEEEEEE, IF I COULD HAVE YOU BACK BY MY SIDE...

PAYING ANY PRICE FOR IT WOULD BE TOO CHEAP! I WOULD BARK FOR YOU, BEATORIIIIIICHEEEEEEEEEEEE! That's right, not to cut a promo, he'll have to entertain the crowd all by himself. "Know yourself before you know your enemy". Kinzo hopes it's imposible for him to lose this one, but Battler might not be as alone as he might think...

Episode 5

Selling that good, Battler is content with putting a great show that Ange must've loved, and the ladies gotta love his athleticism. Even Kinzo is stunned and can't say a thing... because he got somehow pinned by goddamn thin air. If he weren't his grandson, he would've already given up... But I learned not to give up on things just like that...

AND THAT'S WHY I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP ON SEEING BEATORICHE AGAIN! OOOOOOOOOOO BEATORIIIIIIICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! He needs to train even harder, and has used his connections to make a perfect opponent for Battler.

Episode 6

Battler is excited about finally being able to make an opponent tap, but Kinzo on the other hand reminds him that his opponent was a ROBOT, in other words, they can't tap and was programmed to do so.

Kinzo decides to take a break from regular training. Battler is finally going to the ring for his debut, but Kinzo tells him they are only looking into outside opportunities, and so used his connections to get him on the tournament an old friend of his' is running. Battler wonders just how many connections does he have, but Kinzo tells him to hurry up before the already null audience becomes even less.

One last question is asked by Battler before he leaves, and that is where his robotic version ended up. Him? Of course... He became a sacrifice for Beatoriche!

OOOOOOOOOOOH BEATORICHEEEEEEEEEEEEE, HOW MUCH WILL I NEED TO SACRIFICE FOR YOUR FEET PICTURES TO BE UPLOADED ONLINE?!!

A ROBOT VERSION OF YOU JUST ISN'T THE SAME, BEATORICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Episode 7

After an embarrassing loss due to not paying attention to the rules. Kinzo complains that kids these days have no self-control or discipline, and for today's lesson, Battler will not be punished, tortured, nor whipped, something even worse... he'll have to stay still for 15 minutes.

Just when Kinzo returns, he's able to observe Battler failing his tasks once again, so he shouts at him that he will have to try and try again until he gets it right.

Kinzo is so disappointed he doesn't even mention Beatoriche!

Episode 8
Battler keeps failing at being still for 15 minutes.

Episode 9
Kinzo suddenly creeps out from behind him and calls his name to inform him that he's honestly surprised he managed to finally stand still for 15 minutes... surprised of failing in so many creatively different ways at staying still for 15 goddamn minutes, that is.

Either way, Battler will now have to learn from the ages of yonder. Despite Kinzo's allegedly great wrestling popularity, his matches are't easy to find. That is, save for one that Kinzo keeps dearly: a legendary bout against the Sonozaki Patriarch himself, the King of Aikido Steven Sonozaki. Battler might not be ready, but Kinzo will have to entrust the tape to him and he better take notes. Despite Battler's eagerness to carry his legacy, his efforts would be better put in not ruining it instead...

As for what Kinzo will do meanwhile... ...Staring at my painting of Beatoriche and hoping she suddenly starts moving, of course.

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, BEATORIIIIIIICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

IF ONLY I HAD A VHS TAPE OF YOU IN THE SHOWER, I WOULD WATCH NOTHING ELSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! Episode 11

Kinzo checks on Battler, who was too focused on the tapes to notice him; he's astonished at his legacy and more importantly the man he fought, who was using such otherworldly moves it seemed like magic was real, and asks Kinzo if he could teach him some Aikido, but not even Kinzo got to fully learn it, since only only those trained by Steven could become masters. But taking his good idea, Kinzo sings Battler to a MMA competition, but when Battler asks for a few moves to use... Hmmm, a few submission holds, maybe? Like the ones I wish Beatoriche used on me...

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, BEATORIIIIIIICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I WOULD NEVER TAP OUT IF YOU'D JUST PUT ME IN THE TRIANGLE CHOKE AGAIN! But no, he'll have to go and learn the full experience himself. Hopefully Ange won't be watching if it gets too bad.

Episode 14
After Battler defeats that pitiful and weird cartwheeling man, Kinzo returns and clarifies that he did not call him there, but he came of his own volition to "create magic", although all he did was put a terrible match... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, BEATORIIIIIIIIIICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

IF I COULD RUB YOUR EARLOBES AGAIN, I WOULD CARTWHEEL THROUGH THE ENTIRE COAST OF ROKKENJIMA! Either way, Gohda took care of him, and Battler must now move to his final challenge (which he eagerly awaits for all the big-breasted aunties in the front row of his upcoming profesional matches) to prove his worth: Kinzo himself.

Abjected and defeated, Battler asks Kinzo why he spent so much money and effort training him, because he was his grandchild? Just because he needs his legacy to be carried?

But before that can be answered, Kinzo is knocked out by... Kinzo, who reveals the man before him just now was mythical Korean assassin Mee Ror-fes, who had distracted him with news about the intruder. He dreads to think what he could've done to Battler had he not shown up, or worse..."He could've stolen my Beatoriche photo books! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH, BEATOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"Either way, the faker imitated what he would say, and to answer Battler's question: both of those factors were considered, but what really made him do it, was that he felt like he belongs in the business, and that talent couldn't go to waste. Battler thought he was just beating his ass because he kept fucking up, but Kinzo tells Battler that in his golden days he was in a stable so powerful it might as well have ruled wrestling; yet it has fallen from grace, been forgotten, and needs to be rebuilt, and Battler is the only one that can do it. So, he wants Battler to become strong, strong enough to lead men and bring back its lost glory.

With such words, Battler is inspired to not disappoint and tries to run to his TFR debut, but Kinzo reminds him he needs to pay his dues: bumping for a dollar and a handshake. On the meantime... back to the tapes.

The Dark Web Rumble
Kinzo continues trying to get Battler to be a decent wrestler, but decides to take the dust out of his bones and get back into the professional ring, as professional as an outlaw mudshow can be.

Season 7
After TDKR being acquired and turned into BCW, Kinzo and Battler are thrown out, and while in TFR only the value of Kinzo is seen, Sminem decides to buy their contracts together.

Feats

 * Likes to rape. BUT IT WASN'T INTENTIONAL BEATORICHEEEEE.
 * Gave the chucklefucks at KFC marketing the ok to make a KFC VN.
 * Was killed by Agent 47. KIG.
 * Will have Beatoriche sit on him.
 * WILL have Beato enjoy the colonel's seven secret spices before she sits on him.
 * Made magic real by making Phoenix Wright float in the air.

Trivia

 * May also be the owner of KFC.
 * KFC is real
 * KFC is not real
 * When he died all KFC chicken vanished with him. This has caused crime rates in Detroit, Hell to skyrocket.
 * Now that he's back, reported KWAB estimate had decreased considerably.